'Her bio mom had been a disaster': Father and daughter have healthy reconciliation after 'deadbeat' mom comes back into her life and treats her poorly

Author image for Elna McHilderson
Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Sep 22, 2024 1:00 PM EDT

Family dynamics always have their own unique complications. Human relationships are filled with ups and downs. That's the beauty of it! You'll fall and make mistakes, but you'll grow from it all and blossom like a butterfly into the best version of yourself. Family is the one relationship that is supposed to stay strong during all of your ebbs and flows, but sometimes it's not that easy. In this case, a dad didn't know how to react after his daughter choose to move out to live with her "deadbeat" bio mom. Her bio mom left her when she was very little and was raised by her dad ever since. The daughter is 18 now and the mother has come back out of nowhere. The daughter, desperate to have a relationship with her mom, starts taking her side and being mean to her dad and step mom. Eventually she is so upset she leaves and her dad metaphorically opens the door for her, even taking away her college fund. 

However, it didn't take long for the daughter to come running back. She apologized and realized that her bio mom was the "deadbeat" that her father described her as. Eighteen might technically be considered an adult, but she is still just a kid making mistakes. But so was the father and their beautiful reconciliation has them growing and moving forward towards and even stronger father-daughter bond. Read the entire story below! 

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  • 01
    "I told [my daughter] that I'm willing to work on rebuilding our relationship, but it's going to take time and effort on both sides."
    via Unsplash+ (and Tessa Rampersad)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for Cutting Off My Daughter's College Fund After She Chose Her Deadbeat Bio Mom? I'm a single dad to my 18-year-old daughter, Emma. Her bio mom left us when she was young, and I've raised her with the help of my wife, who has been a wonderful mother figure. Recently, Emma started reconnecting with her bio mom, and I initially supported this, hoping it would be a positive experience. However, it quickly became apparent that her bio mom hadn't changed. Emma began making excuses for her and st
    via No_Patience900
  • 03
    She would say things like, "Maybe I'll just move in with my mom and leave you both behind," and "You're not my real mom anyway, so what do you care?" It escalated to threats where she implied she would ruin our lives if we tried to stop her from pursuing this relationship. During a heated argument, Emma expressed her desire to move in with her bio mom. This was the breaking point for me. Feeling that I needed to set boundaries, I decided to cut off her college fund and told her she had to leave
    via No_Patience900
  • 04
    Since then, my family has been vocal about their disapproval. They believe I should have. been more understanding and that I overreacted. Some even argue that I'm pushing her further away and harming our relationship permanently. They think I should have tried harder to support her rather than resorting to such drastic measures. AITA for taking this step, or was I justified in cutting her off? EDIT: My daughter also accused me of always loving my wife over her but it was the other way round....h
    via No_Patience900
  • 05
    edit: so a lot of u have been advising me to give her the college fund and i think i agree.I shall give her the college fund but i will not ask her to come back to me. Thats her own free will ig Update 1: Thanks to everyone who commented on my original post. I didn't expect to have an update so quickly, but a lot has happened in just the past few hours. About an hour after I posted, I got a message from Emma asking if we could meet up. She suggested a nearby coffee shop, and although I was unsur
    via No_Patience900
  • 06
    When I arrived, I could tell right away that something was different. Emma looked exhausted and stressed, not at all like the confident person who left our home. She told me that her time with her bio mom had been a disaster. Not only had her mom treated her coldly, but she also demanded an exorbitant amount of money for rent-far more than Emma could afford. It became clear to Emma that her mom wasn't interested in having a real relationship with her, just in using her for financial gain.
    via No_Patience900
  • 07
    Emma was visibly upset as she apologized for the way she had treated me and my wife. She admitted that she'd made a huge mistake and asked if she could come back home. It was obvious she was genuinely remorseful, and she said she realized now how much we had done for her. I told her that I'm willing to work on rebuilding our relationship, but it's going to take time and effort on both sides. We discussed setting some boundaries and working through the issues that led to all of this in the first
    via No_Patience900
  • 08
    It's not going to be an easy road, but I'm hopeful that we can heal from this and come out stronger on the other side. I'm still processing everything, but I'm relieved that Emma wants to make things right. I also agreed to pay for her college and she is really happy now btw
    via No_Patience900
  • 09
    Commander-of-ducks 3h ago We all do stupid things in life that we regret. This was hers. She's still a kid and her acts really aren't surprising. She's hurting over what relationship she hoped she could have with her birth mother. Good luck to both of you. Take care!
    via Commander-of-ducks
  • 10
    Impressive Towel 3390 6h ago Bear with me, this might end up being a little long. I am a biomom and stepmom and I also come from a dysfunctional family and have had a ton of therapy as a result. To me, there are a couple of things at play here.
    via Impressive_Towel3390
  • 11
    My daughter's dad is also a deadbeat. This is for a few reasons, much of it unresolved trauma (his mother committed suicide in a horrific way when he was in high school, among some other things) and mental illness. I was with him for my own messed up reasons, we had a kid together and it changed my life and made me want to not pass all of the generational garbage to my kid.
    via Impressive_Towel3390
  • 12
    I now have a lovely adult daughter, and we are super close. My now husband is a wonderful man who has a great relationship with my daughter. He taught her to drive, he helped me move her into her first college dorm (she still has the letter he left her that first evening), he's the person who dad walks the perimeter of her house when we visit. She introduces us as her parents.
    via Impressive_Towel3390
  • 13
    That said, she has struggled in the past with where her bio dad fits in her life. The man who visited her zero times at her college (other than graduation of course), gave her zero dollars in support (while tithing to his cult church) and who didn't attend a single event for her when she younger. He also likes to call and dump his mental health issues. This drives my husband nuts sometimes, but he never lets her see that.
    via Impressive_Towel3390
  • 14
    She still loves him and I know a part of her will always want her dad to be different. I got her therapy when she was young and it helped a lot. She knows in her brain that she is not to blame and is not responsible for him, but I know emotionally it's still really hard and it hurts. While she has never lashed out at my husband, and it sounds like your daughter is at a different stage emotionally and maturity wise, it hasn't been easy for me or my husband to watch her struggles with her dad.
    via Impressive_Towel3390
  • 15
    Your daughter wants her mom to want her. She wants her to be a better person. I get it, for a time in my life I would have given anything for my dad to love me (spoiler: he did not). As much as it to hear, you (and your wife) are her safe space. You are solid and predictable. She can express those messy feelings with you and project them at you because she knows you aren't going away. She
    via Impressive_Towel3390
  • 16
    isn't assaulting anyone, or letting bio mom into you home to steal things, etc. She's processing something very difficult and she doesn't have the emotional maturity to be any better than she is right now. Boundaries are something you set to keep yourself safe, not to control the behaviors of others. My question here is whether you value your own emotional safety more than you value your daughter's.
    via Impressive_Towel3390
  • 17
    OP. This is She's going to new and it's hitting a vulnerable place for her. Let her go live with her mom and try it out, you know how it's probably going to go. She needs to find out who her mom really is, and there is nothing you can do about that.
    via Impressive_Towel3390
  • 18
    But don't cut off her college fund and don't cut off your child. Unless she's being overtly abusive, weather the storm and be her safe space to land when she needs it, and she will. You have been that her whole life and she knows it and she needs it, no matter how messy she is right now.
    via Impressive_Towel3390
  • 19
    I know this is probably harder for your wife. I get that, being a stepparent can be really thankless. Emma probably wishes her bio mom was more like your wife, and she will likely see that clearly someday. Hang in there. I know for myself I've hated the fact that I saddled my kid with her dad so many times, but I am also grateful that I got an amazing kid out of the deal and have tried to make sure I was always the constant positive parent in her life.
    via Impressive_Towel3390
  • 20
    Longjumping-Lab-1916 · 8h ago I don't think during a heated argument was the time to tell her that it just makes you look - impulsive and not in control. When she started bring and disrespectful was the time for you to sit her down and have a stern conversation about her behaviour and her words.
    via Longjumping-Lab-1916
  • 21
    Her bio-mother is clearly a bad person and a bad influence and you should be very concerned. Yes you're hurt but for now put that hurt aside because you need to get your daughter back on track. When you feel you've cooled down, contact her and tell her you'd like to meet. Go to a neutral place -just the two of you. Explain how what she's been saying to your wife and you has been inappropriate, mean and hurtful and you won't tolerate being treated that way. Ask her what made her say those things.
    via Longjumping-Lab-1916
  • 22
    Tell her it's her choice to be in touch with bio-mom but she should ask herself why her behaviour has changed for the worse. Tell her she's 18 and can make this choice for herself but she should think long and hard about who her allies are in her life. That if she chooses to leave you behind, you can't stop her. Basically treat her like an adult. By putting that out there it takes the power of her threats away. I suspect it will make her rethink things and she's going to soon see exactly what ki
    via Longjumping-Lab-1916
  • 23
    Treat this time she's spending with her mom as a detour rather than a new direction. Don't give up on your daughter st this point. No doubt she has a lot of unresolved pain around being abandoned by her mother at a young age and she trying to win back her bio-mother's love and affection. Of course it won't work. But bio mom is probably good at manipulation. Please be there for your daughter. She's still a teen and is making a bad decision, as teens often do. Mild YTA.
    via Longjumping-Lab-1916

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wholesome family dynamics family drama family therapy bonding father daughter family life fatherhood parenting dad happy ending healthy family family Reddit step mom happy family bio mom
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